My husband and I shared a long distance relationship for 6 years due to his employment 2500 miles away and my responsibilities here. We were married for 3 of those 6 years. We did the back and forth thing for the 6 years and finally decided for him to just move in with me. His law firm wasn’t doing so well as he was a sole practitioner and we decided he could probably do better here in NY. We had our normal ups and downs like every relationship but the stress of the long distance made it more difficult. While we were engaged I caught him on the computer talking with girls and sending them money which totally devastated me however I still married him weeks later. We tried marriage counseling briefly after the marriage. Because I couldn’t move past it and I continued to bring it up day after day for the last few years. I also found out he was financially struggling and I knew it, but didn’t know the extent of how bad until it was BAD. We had separate accounts and I wasn’t really kept in the loop of all the crazy loans he was taking out etc. I knew he had a rough childhood and felt worthless at times and I didn’t make matters better by constantly nagging that I’m the woman not him and its not fair that I have to pay my own way with no help for years. I also made more and didn’t throw money at him, maybe I should have. I had resentment because he was the man and I never wanted to part with my earned money because it was my security blanket. I thought when we were under one roof we could merge everything at that point. The night he hung himself was a week before he was supposed to finally live with me! We waited six years for this! I knew he was coming unemployed and I knew I could pay the rent and all my bills until he found a job. He had a free place to live until he got on his feet. However the night he did the unthinkable he brought up a horse and carriage ride we went on in NYC years ago and said what a great day it was. I texted back “yeah that’s when you loved me” he texted and “you don’t think I do now?” I said “no :-(” and he said “that doesn’t say much for me or my actions” and that night he hung himself. This is all my fault for doubting his love. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror! 1 week before we were FINALLY going to be together and I ruined it! It’s all my fault he’s dead.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds as if your husband had a great many problems that were very long-standing and he kept you in the dark about many of them. You did not cause his death. Being honest about your feelings and the relationship would be what was necessary in any healthy relationship.
Just like you weren’t able to heal things when they were not okay — you did not make things worse by telling the truth. Again, I am very sorry for your loss, but your husband made decisions that hid his problems, and he seemed unable to be available and open to you for a full relationship.
I would begin seeing an individual counselor for grief counseling. Find help him with the top of the page will help you find someone in your area. This is the time for working through the sadness and grief, and eventually sorting through some of the reasons that kept you in a relationship with a number of unaddressed problems.
The following Ask the Therapist query was submitted
My Husband Committed Suicide 3 Weeks Ago
Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Husband Committed Suicide 3 Weeks Ago. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/10/07/my-husband-committed-suicide-3-weeks-ago/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 7 Oct 2014) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.