My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. For the past 2-3 years I have been really mean to him and I constantly hit him. He’s been telling me that I need to control that and stop. But I cant seem to. Something just comes over me and I am angry. The smallest things trigger my anger. Like we just moved in our own house and he doesn’t do anything. I get mad and start ranting at him because of it. Then sometimes I tell him to do something and he says okay, but I look at him and he hasn’t done it yet. When I ask for something I want it now! Then when I’m mad, I hit him. Its not a constant hit. I punch him once. Sometimes he hits back. I dont know what to do or if its just me. I feel like i am so depressed. I feel unhappy. But I love him. Please help me. (age 20, from U.S.)
A: Resorting to aggression and violence in relationships is never ok, and it’s illegal. I have worked with many people over the years who have been arrested for domestic violence for doing less than what you describe here, males and females.So I sincerely hope that you will work hard to learn to manage your feelings in other ways.If not, you could lose the relationship and/or end up in jail.
Please either find a place that teaches anger management classes or find a therapist to work with individually.Anger in and of itself is not bad. It is a motivating emotion and if we learn to manage it in healthy ways, it can energize us to get things done. Many times it is also a signal that something is wrong in our world.If you find that you only have trouble controlling your anger with your boyfriend, maybe you are no longer happy in the relationship. It sounds like you got together when you were still fairly young, so maybe it is just time to part ways and explore other options.At a minimum, it is time to work on healthier interactions.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
I’m Really Mean to Boyfriend
Holly Counts, Psy.D.
Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.
APA Reference Counts, H. (2018). I’m Really Mean to Boyfriend. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/09/29/im-really-mean-to-boyfriend/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.