This is a very complicated situation. I understand that this is very painful for you but I do think you are asking the wrong questions. Your boyfriend didn’t put you in this position — at least not by himself. You are very much a part of it.
First, let me make this clear — non-consensual sex is never okay (unless it is a part of pre-agreed-upon sexual play). What you describe could very well be considered rape or sexual assault and it’s something you should consider reporting to the police if it continues and you have no further interest in this relationship.
The two of you haven’t developed a normal intimate life in spite of the fact that you’ve been together for 5 years. Something about sex makes you panic. When you do anything that approaches being fully sexual, you feel guilty. He’s been masturbating but has grown increasingly frustrated. He doesn’t want to be intimate with himself. He wants to be intimate with you and settles for getting something from your feet. You seem to be able to be more sexual when you are “half asleep” which means you give crossed messages. He takes you up on it even though he knows better. You both end up feeling terrible. And this has been going on for years? It’s a wonder the two of you are together.
I don’t think this is an issue of forgiveness. It’s an issue of serious sexual dysfunction in an otherwise seemingly good relationship. It doesn’t matter how the issue started. That is probably lost somewhere in the last 5 years. What matters is that you are both now stuck in a cycle that is disturbing to your both and that could very well end the relationship.
I urge the two of you to make an appointment with a couples therapist to have a safe place to talk about sex and what you expect of yourselves and each other in terms of intimacy. Take your letter and this response with you to jumpstart the conversation.
I hope you will follow through. This sounds like a relationship that is worth saving.
I wish you well.
Updated: October 2018