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I Lied to My Fiance about My Past

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From the U.S.: My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. When we first got together he told me everything about his past (I didn’t ask him) and asked me to do the same. From early on he would always tell me “girls who sleep with a lot of guys are gross, I would never be with a girl who would have sex with a lot of men” (even though he has had sex with over 50 women!) So when he asked me I told him I have had a lot of partners but left out 3 of them because I was really ashamed I had sex with those 3 people and also one of them he had met before. I had my own issues about them and was afraid he would leave me or judge me.

Well he found out eventually and has made me feel really low about having sex with them but is also betrayed because I lied and denied it for so long. Now we are having a hard time. He doesnt trust a word I say and I understand that but these are the only things I have ever lied about and I am a faithful fiance and have really tried to be the best person I can be in this relationship. I love him so much. But I dont know how to make anything better and he is saying I dont respect him and our relationship is false. What do I do?

I Lied to My Fiance about My Past

Answered by on -

A.

There’s a lot more wrong with this situation than what you two are characterizing as “lies.” First, there is a difference between lying and maintaining some privacy. There is no rule that a person has to share every detail of one’s life in order to be trustworthy. It’s not new information to your boyfriend that you were intimate with others before him. The number isn’t the issue.

Secondly, he has a strange double standard. It’s okay for him to have had sex with 50+ women but he thinks a woman who has had a number of relationships is gross? What century is he living in? Does he think he’s gross? Or only experienced? Why does he judge you differently than he judges himself?

Third, you kept some things private because you were afraid of judgment. You didn’t believe he could offer you comfort and compassion for some mistakes you made. My guess is that all of his 50+ relationships weren’t stellar either. Please ask yourself why you want to be with someone who you don’t think will be supportive and helpful.

Finally, your boyfriend is now using this new piece of information as justification for not trusting you and for making you walk on eggshells. Instead of looking at what a loving and faithful person you’ve been, he is focusing on this one issue (an issue that I feel should be a non-issue).

You can’t change this situation. He has to change his attitude towards women and his issues about the fact that women can be just as sexual as men. I don’t know why you love this guy. I don’t think he’s worth your time or your love. Please think hard about whether you want to live the rest of your life always “on trial.”

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I Lied to My Fiance about My Past

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Lied to My Fiance about My Past. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/09/16/i-lied-to-my-fiance-about-my-past/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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