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Problems Because of Parents but I Can’t Tell Them

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Half of my problems are because of my parents but I cant tell them because I know they have done so much for us. I have had issues with my mum since I was 9 or 10 years old, being called stupid failure, dirty, etc. Dad on the other hand wasn’t there for me. I grew older while these negative words surrounds me, also I was beaten quite a lot of times, then i started to fight back when I was about 13 years old. When I was 13 I used to shout and tell mum how I sometimes feel, she would feel sad the same moment, then she would tease me and make my life hell and remind me of what she and my father did for me; therefore I stopped telling her anything. I became calmer and slowly I stopped feeling and crying. Last year when I was 17 my situation became worse. I started self harming regularly and I have developed an eating disorder. I actually never get out of my room now, I sleep a lot and I lost my ability to cry and lost all my friends. I think I can no longer live like this and I need help, but from my old experience with mum I don’t really think it’s a good idea to tell her that she is a part of my problem, she told me before “why cant you just forget the past?” I know she never meant to harm me or make me the person I am today that’s why I don’t want to say anything that may make her angry or sad, Dad on the other hand won’t understand, he’ll just think it is a small issue or I am in love with someone. Last thing to say is my relationship with my parents isn’t good at all but they don’t know that, it’s like i am invisible to them, I really don’t know if I love them or not, and I dont know if they love or hate me. Thank you. (age 18, from Qatar)

Problems Because of Parents but I Can’t Tell Them

Answered by on -

A.

A: I’m sorry that your childhood has been so painful and that you feel you have no one to talk to about it. The good news is that you are now an adult and can get the help you need without even involving your parents. It is time to take charge of your own healing.

It is natural to want to feel loved, validated and supported by our parents. However, if your parents are the ones who have abused, neglected or otherwise failed to support you in the past, it is unrealistic for you to seek their validation now. It would be more helpful for you to work through the wounds of the past with someone trained to help you do so. That said, I would suggest that you find a good therapist who has experience working with families and childhood abuse and neglect.

It is obvious that you have begun taking the pain out on yourself through self-harm, eating disorders and social isolation. It doesn’t have to be this way. Therapy can not only help you understand the effects of growing up the way you did, but also how to move past it and develop healthy coping skills so that you can have a happy and rewarding life.

Finally, you do not need to feel bad about what your “parents did for you.” It is their job to take care of their children. If they try to make you feel guilty for this, I see it as just another way of abusing you still. You don’t have to disown them or punish them or get them to understand you … You just have to learn to be responsible for yourself now and give yourself what you need to be successful. Good luck!

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

Problems Because of Parents but I Can’t Tell Them

Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.

APA Reference
Counts, H. (2018). Problems Because of Parents but I Can’t Tell Them. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 13, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/09/14/problems-because-of-parents-but-i-cant-tell-them/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.