I don’t think I can help you with this. You are both too invested in hanging on to your habits. It worries me, for example, that you say that wine calms you. That suggests that you use it for more than sociability. And I agree that your boyfriend is substituting one addiction for another. Apparently, you both have a long history of substance use and abuse. Yes, you both cut back and even quit for awhile but you are each going down the same old road again.
At 35, you aren’t kids. You know where this leads. It’s part of a long standing fight between you. Yes, I do think you both need to quit for good. But it doesn’t matter what I think. Only the two of you can decide if you want to always include addictions as a third party in your relationship.
I wish you well.