In the past I have been cheated on and watch family members cheat. I have experiences both being cheated on and watching family members do this multiple times. Right now I have started a relationship with someone I find myself falling for quite quickly and seems to have all the checkmarks in the right places. I have known him for about a year now but we have been dating for about five weeks and I have noticed that I am feeling insecure and scared that he also might cheat on me. I strut around confidently so it came as a shock when I told him about being cheated on and seeing my family get hurt by it as well. When people started to find out we were dating, some people, and one female in particular messaged him. We all worked together and I didn’t like her too much because she always wanted to start drama and I’m afraid she is trying to do that here as well.
The instant that this stated happening old scared, insecure, and helpless feelings started to arise. I feel like voicing my opinion too much will push him away and make me sound like I’m trying to be controlling. He has showed me no signs that he would hurt me and reassures me that he wouldn’t want to do anything that would upset me but I cannot shake the feeling that something bad will happen. I don’t want to think that all men are the same but that seems to be what I’m thinking and I don’t know how to change this and trust my boyfriend completely. I don’t want to be stuck in past experiences but I don’t know how to let this go.
I would highly recommend you watch this video by Brene Brown. She discusses the vulnerability of relationships. Part of our coping strategy as humans is to realize that we are always vulnerable and to use this vulnerability in ways to strengthen ourselves and others.
Well this is a bit overwhelming at first, it provides us a way of savoring good things when they are happening, and sharing our vulnerabilities with others. In other words, the investment has to be to both celebrate the quality of the relationship when it is good, and share the vulnerability with each other when you are scared.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). I Want to Trust My Boyfriend But…. Psych Central.
Retrieved on September 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/08/05/i-want-to-trust-my-boyfriend-but/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.