Confusion of Childhood
First, I will start with some info about me, I am 21 with 2 kids and engaged with the father.
I previously was having thoughts that I had sexual intercourse when I was 4 with someone who was only a few years older, I remember bits of this, such as where this occurred, who it was etc, I am still to this day not sure if this was a dream or reality, Then when I was 11 years old I made out, touched and “loved” my 16 year old FIRST cousin, I knew it was wrong and I STILL know this was horribly wrong, I am so ashamed of what was done. I don’t know why I did it, but it happened and I feel disgusted with myself, I thought I was truly IN LOVE with him, obviously I wasn’t, we had multiple conversations about being in love and sexual conversations. I have had multiple outburts seeking for attention. Also, When I was 11, I started to cut myself. I blamed this on my parents, My parents constantly fought. My dad verbally and physically abused my mother, He verbally abused me. I kept my self mutilation a secret. Even though I blamed this on my parents, was this really caused from earlier events? Then when I was 15 I started to date my fiancee who was 17, we agreed that we both wanted children (I Know we were way too young), at 16 I got pregnant with my daughter(Who I love VERY much and do not regret having her at a young age and I am very happy with our decision) I currently seek attention from my fiacee (which he doesn’t really give, or I just don’t notice him giving it), when I don’t receive this attention, I seek elsewhere. I have trust issues, I just want to figure this all out so I could be truly happy with my fiancee and for our children.
Extra note- My family(both mother and father) has history of bipolar disorder and depression
1. Do all of these issues relate together?
2. How do I know if this really happened when I was a child?
3. How can I look past these issues and become happy?
A: if I’ve done the math right your daughter is four years old. Based on the information you gave your profile this would mean she’s now at the age when you had your first memories of being molested.
A: This is a generational issue. It’s common that that when our child reaches the age where our trauma has been experienced it brings up the issues from the past. So the answer your first question: yes, the issues are related.
Secondly, of course it will be hard to know about your past specifically, but it might be important to talk to people who knew you when you were four. They could help validate that something happened. This would be a good issue to also explore an individual therapy.
Finally the fact that you’re writing about these uncomfortable feeling looking for answers is the first best step toward feeling better. I would strongly encourage you to follow this up with either individual therapy, or perhaps some sessions specifically designed to deal with past trauma. Here is information on one known as EMDR.
Tomasulo, D. (2014). Confusion of Childhood. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 28, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/23/confusion-of-childhood/