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My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings

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From London: My relationship with my girlfriend started two years ago. We had some normal relationships with other people before but this one was different, because it’s started as a friendship. We were so in love and we were speaking on the phone or trough text messages almost all the time. The great thing was that we wanted to, not because one of us asked for it. We started planning the future together and we were convinced that our relationship will last forever, as cliche as it sounds. She started university months after we started the dating and her only fear was that this may end the thing that we had. We both promise that this won’t separate us and we will do whatever it takes to stay together and get through it.

A month and a half ago, everything was great. We had two year anniversary and Valentine’s Day was great, as every year. We decided to have a weekend away, where we had an amazing time. We came back and she got back to her university, so after a couple of days apart she wanted to talk. Long story short, she said that her feelings had faded and she is confused, she wants some time away from me. I took it really bad because I was afraid I will lose her. We had a month without seeing each other and not even speaking. I couldn’t stop thinking about her it was the worst month in my life. I was literally counting the days and hours till I see her again.

When we met, she told me she wants to be alone and we should stop here. But we had a long chat and I convinced her to give me a chance because this came from nowhere and she claims that there is no one else and she just want to be single. She also said that her feelings are not there anymore and she wants to grow up a bit alone, and I to do the same. But she doesn’t want me to go away from her life because I am her best friend and I will always be.

Now we have two weeks gap that I have to try and think of what should I do next time when I meet her because we will then try to work it out. She is convinced that her feelings won’t come back now but she wants us to try again in, let’s say, two or three years, because I was the one that she wanted to end up with for the rest of her life. Also she thinks that if we break up now, we will have maybe stronger feelings when we try again someday.

So I don’t know what to do, I really want to stay with her and it really hurts that her feelings are gone. Do I have any chance of bringing them back? I’m also confused because I don’t want to let her go, but I don’t want to lose the chance of having something with her in the future, either.

My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings

Answered by on -

A.

I’m very sorry for the pain this is causing you. I understand why you are confused. You are getting a “go but stay” message from your girl — go away for now but maybe come back later. Living in limbo like that is very, very hard.

It is sad but true that lives often diverge when people go off and have different experiences with different people. Your girlfriend is telling the truth when she says she is confused. She had strong feelings for you. Then she got involved in a life that called those feelings into question. She didn’t seek that out. She didn’t want it to happen. But being with other young people who were sharing her new experiences opened up other possibilities. My guess is that she doesn’t want to hurt you so she holds out the possibility that you’ll get together again. Maybe so. More likely, one or the other of you will find someone who has things more in common with the people you are becoming. It’s too bad you can’t take a step back and be friends since friendship was where this all started. But staying friends with a former lover is too hard for most people. They keep hoping the friendship will again flower into something more, and then are disappointed yet again when it doesn’t.

I think you should take your girlfriend at her word. She has growing up to do, and she doesn’t want to do it in the context of a relationship. She is urging you to do the same. You can’t really talk someone into a relationship although you can make someone feel guilty enough that they stay a little longer than is healthy. Give her space and take some for yourself, too. Maybe you will find each other again. Maybe not. But the growing will be worth it in any case.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/07/18/my-girlfriend-lost-her-feelings/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.