From a California teen: Ever since about 4 months ago I have lived through the worse time of my life.(prior to that when I was around 14 I started going through a depression which has lasted 3 years until now.) I started having intrusive thoughts when i was out drunk and possibly high (can’t remember) with friends, basically i was scared some neighbor was going to come out and kill me and my friends because we were ding dong ditching his house and i just started having horrible thoughts of what it would be like to kill someone. These thoughts would not go away and by the end of the night i assumed something was wrong with me i was scared i would turn into a murderer.
Since then I cut out all alcohol and other drugs from my life (didnt know about ocd yet) thinking they were the problem and it didn’t really do anything… until in January i spent the weekend up in the snow with some friends and we all smoked marijuana and i kind of had a nice time, but when i got back home all of a sudden my depression and anxiety was gone. For one week I was the happiest i’ve ever been in my life, and the strange part is that I was sick that week and lost my voice. I also think I may be gay and that week I figured I was straight and was ok with getting with girls (which leads me to believe me losing my voice made me feel better because I have always been self conscious about it) I started being myself and even got along with my group of friends i usually don’t really like that much, and i figured all my previous problems were just me finding myself and growing up.
Then i got drunk and high the friday of that week thinking I was finally ok and these things wouldn’t affect me and ever since then i have been in an even worse depression. It has been about a month now and I completely cut out all alcohol, marijuana, even caffeine as of now, and started exercising everyday and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t like hanging out with people anymore and sit at home on the weekend when i used to be extremely popular at parties and I don’t know if its just me growing up or if i’ve developed some serious disorder…
I also have always handled stress well but lately i’ve had to decide where to go to college and other stressful things and most of the time i just go to sleep with comforting thoughts of i would never wake up in this horrible world again. I have A.D.D. So sorry if this is a little messy I tend to get distracted and move on to point from point very easily… but any help would be appreciated. I simply do not know what to do and I fear that soon I will lose hope of happiness in life.