Home » I Confronted My Abuser by Letter and He Responded Negatively

I Confronted My Abuser by Letter and He Responded Negatively

Asked by on with 1 answer:

35 years ago I was in a 5yr relationship with an abusive boyfriend. After being admitted to hospital for complete breakdown two years ago, last week I found the strength to write a letter to him telling him how I felt about what he did to me (hitting and forcing me to have sex) and feel relief that I have done this. But I received a reply from him denying everything and saying my motive was “highly suspect”.  While I don’t expect anything from him and I am proud that even after all these years I found my voice, it irks me that he is suspicious of my motive.  Should I respond?  I feel I should but think by corresponding again I am prolonging the issue. 

I Confronted My Abuser by Letter and He Responded Negatively

Answered by on -


A:  Facing your fears and confronting your abuser after all these years took courage. You deserve to be proud of yourself, and you deserve to continue feeling good. If you contact him again, I fear that you could lose the good feelings you have now. Confronting an abuser is often a very healing act, but it is the act itself that is healing, not the response (or lack of response) that you might get. In my experience, it is rare for an abusive person to admit what they have done and make amends. If it does happen, it is generally because they themselves initiated the action, rather than responding to a confrontation from the victim.

Don’t concern yourself with what he finds “highly suspect.”  The more you try to clarify or communicate with him, the messier it may get. My advice is to refocus your energy on your own healing. You may even try re-writing the letter over and over in a journal until you feel you can truly let it go, close this chapter of your life, and move on. Take your power back and keep your focus on the present and the gains you have made.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

I Confronted My Abuser by Letter and He Responded Negatively

Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.

APA Reference
Counts, H. (2018). I Confronted My Abuser by Letter and He Responded Negatively. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 24, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.