Many people are interested in understanding why people kill. They want to know what compels some people to commit these horrible acts of violence. That’s probably why these types of television shows are so popular.
However, in the context of your history of aggression toward your parents, you should avoid indulging in this “dark pleasure.” By your own admission, this subject matter “distracts [you] from being the kind of person” you know you are. It also “scares” you. It seems to be doing more harm than good.
It’s a mistake to withhold this information from your therapist. It’s obviously something that bothers you and that you wonder about. Therapy is a safe place to discuss your feelings about this matter. Lack of self-disclosure can significantly inhibit your therapist’s ability to help you. You’re holding back information that your therapist needs to know. Continuing to do so can hinder your progress in therapy.
It’s important that you explore your “attraction to death” in more depth. I would recommend discussing this matter with your therapist and being honest about your feelings. Therapy is the ideal place to do this. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle