There are probably two main reasons why you run from these things: fear and feeling as though you don’t deserve to be happy.
Fear can be crippling. It can prevent you from having a good life. It’s possible, though I can’t be certain, that you may have lacked healthy psychological role models. It’s also possible that you were raised in an environment in which you did not feel safe or supported in your attempts to be independent. Without feeling safe in the world or having healthy psychological role models, everyday aspects of life can feel overwhelming.
The fact that you feel as though you don’t deserve friends, jobs, education, love and relationships indicates a belief that you are unworthy of these things. It’s also a sign of depression.
My recommendation is to consult a cognitive behavioral therapist. Both your fears and your negative self-opinion are irrational. They are based on faulty thinking that is out of line with reality. Once you have corrected your thinking, and it becomes more in line with reality, you will feel better about yourself and your life.
It’s also especially important that you are in treatment because of your suicidal ideation. It’s imperative that you seek help as soon as possible.
Please be aware of the fact that all of your symptoms are correctable with therapy and medication. If you are willing to participate in therapy, there’s every reason to believe that you can overcome your fears and irrational thoughts and live a high-quality life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle