My husband and I have been married for nearly two years and my concern is that we very rarely have sex – perhaps twice a year. Although it was perhaps slightly more before, the amount has always been low except the first 2 or 3 months of our relationship. The background to this is that we are very much in love, committed to each other, we talk about our feelings and always find ways to understand each other and find ways of compromising etc… in previous relationships we also both had low sex drives and this caused problems with ex partners. We are so much more happy with each other as neither of us puts any pressure on the other or ever makes the other feel bad for not wanting sex, in ways that previous partners have (understandably, it must feel very rejecting). The other factor is that my husband is on Prozac and he feels this affects his libido. Mine is influenced by the time of the month and I do become sexually aroused at certain times. However I do still have some sort of block to initiating sex, even when I am in the mood and if he ever inmates (very rarely) I feel myself tense up and think “how can I stop this without hurting his feelings”? I really don’t understand this, as I find my husband extremely attractive and I love his touch (when it is not initiative) and we are very affectionate. What is standing in our way?
The reason I write this now is that we want to start trying to conceive and I worry about the pressure this will put on us if we continue to both have such a low interest in sex.
Thanks for your important letter. The love between the two of you seems very warm and genuine, and the inhibitors your speak of, an antidepressant and your natural biorhythm, makes sense.
But I think a few sessions with a qualified sex therapist would be very helpful. Here’s a link to an organization that has information and referrals for you. They can help you find ways to approach each other and support each other as you try to conceive.
The key is to keep a warm and loving sense of play and exploration. Both of you have had relationships with the sexual response has been problematic. You’ll need to approach your relationship with each other differently. A qualified sex therapist can help you with this.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Rarely Having Sex. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/06/05/rarely-having-sex/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.