Hi. I’m going to start off with the fact that I am 18 and attending college. I am currently in a relationship with a 24 year old that I met through a mutual friend of sorts. If I disclose exactly how we met, it might be really identifying so I would rather not. In any case, we started getting to know each other early on in the semester, and now have been dating for more than 6 months. I find him very attractive, sweet, and caring, and he’s helped me with a lot of depression problems this past year or so. Not only that, he’s shown me his vulnerable sides, which goes to show that he trusts me as well. I understand that I’m young, but I believe that I more than enough reason to believe that this is love. Especially because I have never felt this way about any other crushes in the past before. (I used to start liking a guy but would feel repulsed by his affection later on because I was afraid to commit). This problem also almost occurred with him in the past, but because he continued to be so patient and attentive, we are where we are at now. So all this is not a problem, but my mother has found out that I had slept with him for around 2 months now, and is dead set against him. She had already been slightly prejudiced towards him in the past because of his age and his profession, which I do admit he needs to work on reevaluating his goals, but she is also doubting his commitment to me. She believes that he has taken advantage of the fact that I am so young and that the sex will continue. He and I have talked and we are both more than willing to go back to innocuous dating and I’m asking her to give me a year to see how everything pans out in that time. He and I are planning to evaluate whether that is what we want in our relationship at that point and decide from that point on. Does this seem like too much to ask?
No, this doesn’t seem too much to ask. You have two people in your life that love you very much. The struggle is they are not the same page.
To say that you are looking to have a less intense sexual relationship to see what the two of you want next sounds good, even if is a temporary experiment. I would also let your mom know how much you appreciate the love, but that you have to make your own decisions and errors in life. It’s important you say both of these things to your mom. She obviously cares about you but you can’t live your life only to please your mother. That would be a fundamental error.
I like the fact that you and your boyfriend talking about how to move the relationship forward in mutually agreeable way. If it is going to last you will survive this experiment. If not — it was a worthwhile test.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Parent Against What Might Be First Love. Psych Central.
Retrieved on December 7, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/05/29/parent-against-what-might-be-first-love/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 29 May 2014) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.