The fact that you fantasize about killing others is concerning. I link it to your early, negative childhood experiences. You experienced the tragic loss of your mother at an early age. Your father, when he is involved in your life, treats you poorly. Your feelings may stem from a need for control. As a child, events happened to you that were beyond your control and you had no power. The circumstances undoubtedly impacted your development and may be the reason why you feel the way you do now.
Violence is not a solution to your problems. It won’t help, it’ll make things worse and it may get you into serious trouble with the law. If you were to hurt or kill someone, you could spend decades or the rest of your life in prison.
Having to go to prison would be horrendous. In the abstract it may not seem so bad, but it’s an abjectly dehumanizing experience. Incarceration is the ultimate loss of power, control and freedom.
The primary function of American prisons is punishment. They are not houses of correction. They are places to warehouse people. If you want to get a sense of how bad prison can be, read the book “Inside: Life Behind Bars In America” by Michael Santos.
You recognize that a problem exists and the next logical step is to seek professional help. Therapy can help you learn to manage your emotions and express them in healthy ways. You can learn to change your behavior and how you react to people and situations. You are not doomed to a life of anger and hostility, unless perhaps you refuse help.
I hope that you make the responsible decision to consult a mental health professional. You can begin this process by reporting the bullying to school officials. Then speak to a school counselor, a trusted adult or a mentor about your anger.
At this point, you have not hurt anyone, at least you didn’t mention having done so in your letter. The time to act is now, before you are no longer able to control your anger and rage. The consequences of inaction are too important to ignore. I hope that you will take my advice. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle