I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother every child deserves when you were young. It’s sad and certainly angry making. But it’s also true that you do now have a choice that you didn’t have when you were young and dependent. You can forgive the past and try to make a relationship with who she is now. Or — since that seems unlikely to be positive — you can learn to remove yourself emotionally from her even if you have to stay somewhat connected.
As it is now, you are giving her too much negative control. All she has to do is be critical and you get upset. She decides not to understand and you end up frustrated and even more upset. Her behavior doesn’t deserve that much of your attention and energy. I hope you can learn how to contact her just enough that she doesn’t hunt you down but not so much that her comments touch you. All they are are words. They don’t matter unless you let them matter. The only opinions that deserve your attention are your own and those of people who love you and who have your best interests at heart.
It isn’t easy to take emotional distance from a parent. A therapist can give you support and can help you learn how to take care of yourself when your mother is too intrusive. I hope you will also befriend some older women who will love you for who you are and who will provide you with the guidance we’d all like to have from the wise women in our lives.
I wish you well.