It’s possible that your former therapist is no longer practicing or has relocated. He could’ve also passed away. Keep searching but realize that it’s possible that you will not find him.
Twelve years is a long time. Even if you were able to find him, in all likelihood, you would have to retell your story. In essence, you might have to “start over” with him since it’s been so long since your last appointment. Certainly many things have changed in over a decade.
In both cases, whether you locate your former therapist or start with a new one, you will have to describe your present set of symptoms. Most therapists would be more focused on your current set of symptoms and less concerned about your history.
Keep searching for your former therapist but, in the meantime, strongly consider consulting a new therapist. If you were to locate your former therapist, then you can stop seeing the new therapist. I understand your desire not to want to “start over” but as you recognize, you may be on the verge of losing control and doing something that you would regret.
The major, and obvious concern is that you might harm someone or yourself. I think that is what you meant by “I need to find answers… Before I just can’t justify the control anymore.” This set of circumstances requires immediate intervention.
The most responsible course of action is to seek help even if it is from a mental health professional with whom you have to “start over.” If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call 911 or go to the emergency room. I hope you do the right thing and seek help as soon as possible. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle