A: I don’t think there is something wrong with your brain, but I do think you have low self-esteem and you are looking for ways to feel better. However, your behaviors only hurt you more. You are the only one who can change this, and you are worth it.
It sounds to me like you are looking for closeness and intimacy through sex. And don’t get me wrong, sexual interaction can bring feelings of closeness and intimacy, but only in the context of a loving relationship. You aren’t giving yourself a chance to develop one of those.
I hate to promote stereotypes, but most (not all) boys your age aren’t going to put a lot of work into a relationship if they can get sex without one. Other people will form their opinions of you based on how you treat yourself. If you hold yourself to a higher standard and wait for a respectful and supportive partner, you will find one. If you continue to give your body away, you will find takers as well.
I’m also very concerned that you like to be hit and pushed around. This is more evidence that you do not respect yourself or think of yourself highly. It also makes me wonder if you have a history of abuse. Either way, it is not okay and I suggest you seek out some professional help. The changes you need to make would be so much easier if you had the help and guidance of a good therapist. Please speak to your parents or your high school counselor about how to find one.
Good luck with the changes you hope to make.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts