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My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling

Asked by on with 1 answer:

My boyfriend/baby’s father has always asked for a threesome. I declined at first only because it was to soon for my comfort. I’ve agreed to have a threesome with him now simply because the idea of it sparks my interest. But the girl he suggested is someone who he has had sex with (they weren’t dating though) previously and is also. A close friend of his family. At first I was okay with it. She would text “us” on his phone a couple times per week about all the things she wanted to do with “us.” But I wanted it to be someone we don’t have to deal with regularly, but he says the only reason he has continued messaging her is. So that things aren’t awkward. He has cheated on me in the past so I worry that he will cheat on me and does it anyway if I refuse. But it just. Feels like he is trying to find. A way around cheating on me. Can we have a threesome with his previously fling and still manage a good, healthy relationship?

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling

Answered by on -

A.

Thank you for writing us and trusting me with your question. The fact that you say you’re only agreeing to this because you’re afraid, and that it really isn’t that the two of you together who want to do this — already spells trouble. You are entering into this feeling coerced, even if you were a bit interested. Think about it, if this were really something the two of you wanted to do together, then both of you would have equal say.

Let’s review:
1. You don’t trust him.
2. You feel coerced into doing this.
3. You think he will cheat on you and this is just a way of getting around it.
4. You had no say in choosing this person.

Capitulation and consent does not equal choice and partnership. The relationship doesn’t sound healthy now — and the way this is being arranged doesn’t seem like it will help it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome with His Ex-Fling. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 24, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/27/my-boyfriend-wants-a-threesome-with-his-ex-fling/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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