You are very right about one thing. You cannot seek happiness and contentment outside yourself. Your happiness and self satisfaction must come from within. Your happiness should never be dependent upon someone beyond yourself. From what you’ve written and the brief history that you have provided, it doesn’t appear that you have yet accomplished or achieved personal happiness.
Make no mistake about it. The happiness that I am describing is achievable and should be everyone’s destiny. You mentioned that you have a therapist and a psychiatrist and that these people have not helped you in a number of years of treatment.
My recommendation would be to try new therapists. As well intentioned as your current therapists may be they simply may not be the right therapists for you. Not everyone you meet can be your friend and not everyone you try can be your therapist. With simple life issues perhaps most any therapist would do, but with more complicated issues it is very important for you to find the right therapist.
Are you willing to change? Will you work with your therapist? Are you willing to work hard? Do you recognize the need to make changes in your life? If so, with the appropriate therapist, your life will slowly change to the one that you have envisioned and richly deserve.
I can sense your pain from what you’ve written. Please don’t think that this is all that life has for you because I promise you that isn’t true. Keep trying. Don’t give up hope. Look for the right therapists. When you find them, devote yourself to the process until you believe you are no longer making progress and then look for a different therapist. Progress will be slow, perhaps slower than you would desire. You must be patient — But be patient only as long as you are making progress. Improvements in your life and happiness and your understanding of the nature of your problems should be occurring slowly but steadily.
I wish you the best of luck. I hope I’ve helped you in some small way. If I have, please don’t hesitate to write again.
Dr. Kristina Randle