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How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?

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My husband has a female friend and they have been close before we got married. They have helped each other in many of their problems and I knew how their friendship was. They’ve supported each other in issues like death in the family, financial problems, work problems since they were also co-workers at that time and marital problems since she was married and had a 2 year old son.

Their friendship seems like any other but there are three things that has made me uncomfortable and has made me to take offense about their relationship.
1. Before my husband and i got married, she expressed thoughtless and unfair comments about me, my looks and my character even when she hasn’t personally met me during that time.
2. She would constantly message my husband. I was able to read some of their messages, though there wasn’t anything trivial, I find it odd that my husband and her would talk about their daily activities.
3. When we go out as a group, she would talk to him about things that only both of them knew, leaving us out. It’s frustrating.

My husband hasn’t taken me for granted but he has told me about his attraction for her, how he would’ve tried to date her if only she wasn’t married. Knowing that, hurts me even more.

I tried to express my feelings about their relationship, but it always ends up in a fight or a bad argument. I acknowledge this as a problem and I want it solved but I don’t know what to do and how to do it. Please help me.

How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?

Answered by on -

A.

Thank you for sending your situation here. You have a genuine reason to be concerned. Everything you’ve written about this relationship with his friend amounts to an emotional affair. His emotional connection to her is leaving you feel excluded. Regardless of the fact that this upsets him — his anger shouldn’t be a deterrent for you expressing your concern. Just because he’s angry doesn’t mean his position is correct. I would highly recommend couple counseling so that a neutral third-party can help the two of you move past this. Emotional affairs can cripple a couple, and I’d recommend seeing a counselor sooner rather than later.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). How to Address a ‘Husband’s Female Friend’ Situation?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/23/how-to-address-a-husbands-female-friend-situation/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.