Be proud of the fact that you have been able to withstand the urge to self-harm but as you noted, the urges are growing stronger. Don’t ignore those feelings. They are a clear sign that you should seek professional help. It would be a very wise decision.
It’s possible that the experience of seeing your dead grandmother is a sign of PTSD. It might be a flashback but without more information, I can’t know that with certainty. Reliving the truck incident is likely a flashback and related to PTSD.
You can learn more about flashbacks and PTSD once you begin counseling. You can also educate yourself about PTSD. You can read more about it at Psych Central’s website as well as other websites including the National Institute of Mental Health, among others.
You are a victim of abuse. It can directly affect your self-confidence and self-esteem. Your babysitter was a predator. Had anyone learned about what she did to you, she would have likely been arrested. At the very least, she may have been mandated to undergo counseling.
You are considering therapy and my recommendation is that you do so. Fortunately, you have health insurance, which affords you the opportunity to seek treatment. You are on the right track. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle