You are becoming increasingly isolative. Even when you are in the presence of others, and have others available to you, such as your family and close friends, you remain isolative. A support system is available to you but you are choosing not to utilize their support. Your preference is to be alone.
Your lack of motivation, hopelessness and suicidal ideation are signs of depression. You sometimes fantasize about how you can make other people feel guilty because you believe that they have created misery in your life. You may feel that way because you think that they should be doing more to help you. It would be difficult for them to help you if you are actively avoiding them. Also, if you haven’t told them what’s bothering you, then you can’t expect them to know.
It’s also concerning that you are bingeing and purging. The sense of control that is gained from bingeing and purging is an illusion. In fact, quite the opposite is true: acts of self-destruction are a sign of someone being out of control. Bingeing and purging destroys the esophagus, the stomach lining and can damage organs in the body. Eating disorders are highly dangerous.
You are entertaining thoughts of suicide and engaging in acts of self-destruction. It’s apparent that you are suffering and lack the necessary coping skills to handle your intense emotional pain and suffering. My recommendation is to consult a mental health professional who specializes in depression and eating disorders. I worked with many people who were dealing with similar problems and were helped by therapy. A therapist can teach you healthy responses to difficult problems. Without the proper coping skills, many people resort to maladaptive and unhealthy strategies for handling their problems. The sooner that you seek counseling, the better you will feel. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle