It is natural but not necessarily correct, to view the world from one’s own perspective. You know yourself, you know how you think, and you know how you would react or at least you think you know how you would react.
Your deceased friend’s husband is not reacting the way that you would or the way that you think is correct. You are assuming that his reaction is not correct. You base that assumption on your own life philosophy as to what is appropriate and inappropriate. It is also assuming that what is correct for you would be correct for him. What is correct for him might be very incorrect for you and people like you.
It is safe to conclude that obviously he is not like you. If he were like you, he would be reacting differently, much more the way you are reacting. One should never assume that most people in the world are like you and share your same values. People are very different from one another.
Whether or not he is making a mistake can only be determined by the correctness of his actions in terms of his own life. If he were in therapy, his therapist would judge the correctness of his actions in terms of whether or not those actions were beneficial to his short-term and long-term happiness. In other words, are they adaptive?
You do not have to keep this man in your life and perhaps you should not. It appears from what you have written that your real, true link to this man was through your deceased friend. If that is true, then you no longer have a link to this man. His attitudes, his behaviors, his moral values do not appear to fit into your world. His phone calls distress you. You have the power to end those phone calls.
We should hold true to our moral values. However, we should not insist on remaking the world in our own image. We can keep close to us family and friends that share our moral values.
You cannot condemn your friend for not sharing your moral values because your moral values are not “the” moral values.
Let me say it in a different way. His moral values are different from yours. Would it be fair to judge and condemn him because his moral values are not yours? Before you answer that question, let me make this statement which is completely accurate and true. There are many people out there, whose moral values are not yours, who would condemn you right now for not living a life that fits their moral values. Should they have a right to both judge and condemn you? Obviously not.
From your perspective, you would likely say “who are they to judge me? I am a good, moral individual and just because I don’t share their moral values, does not mean that I am incorrect. Perhaps, they are incorrect and their moral values are wrong.”
It’s very hard to lose someone you love. I hope I have helped answer your questions but I realize there is nothing that I could write that would lessen your pain. I am sorry for your loss.
Dr. Kristina Randle