Thank you for writing. I can tell that this is causing you great suffering. It’s highly unlikely that you’re a pedophile. It’s more likely that you are so concerned that you might be that you are making yourself anxious and depressed. It’s like this: What if I told you that under no certain terms you should never think about a white alligator. You probably could think of nothing else. That’s because trying not to think about something makes us think about it.
Meanwhile — why aren’t you taking your medication?? Does it make you feel bad? Isn’t it working as it should? It sounds to me like you need to have an honest conversation with your psychiatrist. Please remember that your doctor only has what you tell him or her to go on so you need to provide as much information as you can about how you are feeling both on and off your medications.
If you aren’t seeing a mental health counselor, I urge you to do so. There is help for those diagnoses. You can learn ways to manage your feelings and to work around the ADHD. You probably need some solid coaching and support in the process.
You are only 20. If you take better care of yourself now, it is likely you can have a long life free from this kind of torment. Please take care of yourself and get the help you need.
I wish you well.