I’m sorry about what you’re experiencing. In the state of New York, your parents’ behavior would constitute a form of abuse, reportable to child protective services. It is estimated that the majority of cases of child abuse in New York City involve some form of substance abuse. In such cases, the caregivers are more focused on using the substances than attending to the emotional and physical needs of their children. That seems to be what is happening to you.
It is important that you do not take your mother’s behavior personally (i.e. “I feel like I am never good enough and if I was she would not act like this and want to escape her life.”). Her behavior is not a reflection upon you. It has nothing to do with you. She has psychological problems that are motivating her to drink. It is not your fault. You are in no way to blame for your mother’s behavior. You have no control over this situation. It’s up to your mother to receive psychological help to deal with her psychological problems.
You seem to be a remarkably resilient young woman. You have a stressful home life, through no fault of your own, and yet you are able to maintain a positive attitude. Your parents are not well but you are doing your best to cope with this unfortunate set of circumstances.
My advice is to speak to a guidance counselor or another trusted school faculty member about your parents’ drinking. The school faculty can assist you in accessing the proper psychological help.
It’s possible that once the school faculty learns about your situation, they may call child protective services to determine if neglect or abuse is occurring in the home. Obviously, you don’t want your parents to get into trouble; however, their behavior might constitute maltreatment. If so, child protective services would likely mandate your parents to receive treatment for alcohol abuse. It might be necessary to force them to receive the help that they need to improve their quality of life. It would also ultimately improve your quality of life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle