It seems as though your daughter’s boyfriend is having psychological issues. He is struggling with psychological problems that can become too much for him to handle. You are right to be concerned. As you noted, you experienced horrendous abuse but never thought about killing. He may have had a stress reaction that day but it is abnormal for anyone’s stress reaction to include the idea of murder.
It is normal to have a reaction to stress but that normal reaction is not feeling the need to murder.
He may need to be in treatment. He may need intensive treatment and or medication to control his behavior. Of course you want to protect your daughter but ultimately it will be up to her to decide whether she wants to be with him. This is something she’s going to have to decide.
If he is in treatment, and is adhering to his treatment, then it may be a relationship that is acceptable to pursue. It depends on how stable he becomes while in treatment.
One positive aspect of this incident is that when he felt unstable, he asked for help. That is encouraging. It shows that he is open to treatment and willing to accept treatment. However, it does indicate that there are times when he is unable to control his thoughts. It’s concerning because he may be dangerous in those instances. It also would be a difficult relationship for your daughter to pursue if he remains unstable.
Ultimately, your daughter has to decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who is currently psychologically unstable. Many people with mental illnesses are greatly helped by psychological treatments and can maintain healthy, functional relationships. Your daughter’s job, at this point, is to determine his psychological status and if he is able to maintain a healthy, functional relationship. You and she may want to consult a therapist who can gather all of the facts and assist in determining if this is a safe, healthy relationship. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle