Hello, I really need some help. I feel so desperate right now. For a very long time now, probably over a year, I have been having these really disgusting homicidal thoughts about my own mother. I absolutely hate the fact that I would even think such things about the woman who bought me into the world and I wish i could stop but I just can’t. Today we had a row and it resorted in my mum grabbing me by my hair, forcing me to the floor and stamping on my head. I literally then and there had the thoughts to kill her, get a knife and just kill her. I know this is probably normal in a situation like this but other times i lay in bed and I just imagine pushing my mum down the stairs and watching her die or I sit in lesson and I just get distracted by thoughts of hitting her over the head with something and her bleeding to death. I hate these thoughts and I want them to stop. Tonight I have barricaded myself in my bedroom.
I also often suffer from Panic Attacks, in fact there are many other issues i could go over but this I am most worried about. I rang the police earlier and I just cried down the phone and then hung up. I really need some help, do other people get these thoughts? Is it normal or am i an absolute freak and psychopath. I have tried other places but they have said they will not reply to questions about homicidal thoughts and i just can’t bring myself to go to hospital. Sorry if this is a complete and utter waste of your time i’m just on the tipping point where these thoughts are sending me absolutely crazy and I just needed to tell somebody.
There is nothing normal about your life situation. First and foremost, I am concerned about the fact that your mother grabbed you by your hair, forced you to the floor and began “stomping on [your] head.” That should never happen to anyone, especially a child. I only have a limited set of facts but it seems as though you are being subjected to abuse at the hands of your mother.
You almost called the police but you changed your mind. You should have completed the call and reported what your mother did and what you were feeling. They could have helped you. They would have come to the home and investigated the incident.
If any violence occurs in your home, you should call the police. You should also call the police or go to a hospital if you feel that you cannot control your impulses or behavior. What your mother did to you is wrong, very wrong but harming her is not an acceptable solution to this problem. You are having an inappropriate reaction.
I’m glad that you decided to write because it was the correct thing to do. You should ask for help. Immediate professional intervention is required in this situation.
Don’t hesitate to call for help in emergency situations. In the meantime, discuss these matters with a school faculty member. Report the abuse and your thoughts. You might fear that you will be punished for your thoughts but that is not true. Thoughts are not punishable offenses but if you harmed your mother, you would be punished and could lose your freedom. You don’t want to risk losing your freedom. Report what is happening in your home and a school official will assist you. Seek help before you do something that you would undoubtedly regret. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.
APA Reference Randle, K. (2018). Bad Thoughts. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/12/20/bad-thoughts/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 20 Dec 2013) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.