You are doing the right thing by asking for help. You recognize that you have a problem and want to change. That is very encouraging.
You had a difficult childhood. You experienced psychological and verbal abuse. I am sorry about what you had to endure. Undoubtedly, it was a painful time. Some of that pain likely is still affecting you.
Some people with histories of abuse might develop an impulse to want to hurt others. The helplessness that a child feels when he or she is abused or bullied can be immense and overwhelming. Lashing out at others might feel like a way for them to gain control over some aspect of their lives. It may be a way to cope with the psychological aftermath of abuse. It might also be an attempt to compensate for feelings of helplessness and a lack of power in the world.
Your impulse is focused on harming women. The abuse that you suffered as a child was from a woman, your mother.
It is important to understand that purposefully harming someone is immoral. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism and it is an act of evil. In all likelihood, it would mean that you would be incarcerated.
You were in therapy at one time but for some reason, it ended. I would strongly encourage you to return to therapy. Be honest with your therapist about how you are feeling. At this point, you’re able to control your impulses but there may come a time when you cannot. By not seeking help, you may be putting yourself and others in danger.
If you cannot control your impulses, then seek emergency assistance. Call 911 or go to an emergency room. The staff can keep you safe and protect you from harming others.
Therapy could be immensely beneficial for you. If you don’t feel comfortable with a female therapist, then choose a male therapist. Therapy could help you to develop positive and healthy coping skills and it can improve the overall quality of your life. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle