I’m sorry your teen years have been so shadowed by pain. It’s to your credit that you tried to get help. It’s really sad that the help wasn’t helpful.
Your school counselors may not have had the training and experience to deal with what you talked about. I mean no disrespect to school counselors. They often have case loads in the hundreds and very challenging jobs. The school counselors I know often talk about how much they wish they had more time to go into depth with students who seek them out. Instead, they find themselves burdened by standardized testing, course scheduling and college admissions procedures. All of those things are valuable and important too but they do get in the way of actually providing in-depth counseling.
You asked what to do. I think the first step is to look for a private therapist. If you still have a good relationship with a school counselor, you could ask for advice about who to call. You could also ask your doctor for a list of names of counselors who have expertise in helping young adults
While you wait to get an appointment, you can also take advantage of the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. Counselors are there 24/7 to listen to young men and women who are struggling. A sympathetic ear and some advice may help you figure out what else you need to do. Their phone number is 800-448-3000.
The most promising part of your letter is that you really want help. You are taking charge of your life and looking for a way to change. The good news is that you can. With help, people can change the way they think and feel. I’m proud of you for making a commitment to yourself to start the process.
I wish you well.