Despite my young age, I have been through a lot. My mother has had unknown disease my whole life, and I’ve lived in fear of loosing her. I got bullied in the 1st grade, and supposedly I ate my problems and gained weight, so I got bullied for that. I was pretty shy and sensitive, a great target for bullying. But we moved when I got to junior high, the summer was calm, I wasn’t bullied and weight started dropping. But when I got bullied in there, I somehow snapped. I stopped eating almost totally. After the first year, the bullying stopped and everything seemed fine. But the eight years had done some damage. I had an eating disorder, some depression and I cut myself to relieve anxiety-attacks. On the outside everything was great. Then my brother had a surgery, which went wrong. I broke down. I ate, I slept, I was anxious, distressed, depressed. I think I managed to go to school a couple whole days in half a year, but mostly I came after lunch or was absent. For the fist time, I had panic attacks in school. My very good grades dropped a half a grade during that half a year, luckily it was very good to begin with. I had been so good in acting everything was perfect, my teacher didn’t even believe me, that I was a mess. It was my age, he said.
The summer was just a little bit easier. I couldn’t get sleep on get out of bed, but I wasn’t required to. Now I have been in vocational school for couple days. Since that I’ve felt like I’m gonna die on the inside. I want help, I can’t stand this. I don’t know what I would do if wouldn’t stand it. I couldn’t ever kill myself even if I have the plan. But I haven’t cut since 5th of October, but the need of that relief is getting stronger. I know I NEED help, I have the fear of this feeling taking over and I will just lay in bed crying. Or not being able to cry. I also think I won’t be able to go to school soon.
But I fear I can’t be helped, or wont be taken seriously. What if they just say that it’s my age, and laugh me out of there? What if I get kicked out of school for being a total nutcase? What if I simply can’t be helped? I need help.