Despite my young age, I have been through a lot. My mother has had unknown disease my whole life, and I’ve lived in fear of loosing her. I got bullied in the 1st grade, and supposedly I ate my problems and gained weight, so I got bullied for that. I was pretty shy and sensitive, a great target for bullying. But we moved when I got to junior high, the summer was calm, I wasn’t bullied and weight started dropping. But when I got bullied in there, I somehow snapped. I stopped eating almost totally. After the first year, the bullying stopped and everything seemed fine. But the eight years had done some damage. I had an eating disorder, some depression and I cut myself to relieve anxiety-attacks. On the outside everything was great. Then my brother had a surgery, which went wrong. I broke down. I ate, I slept, I was anxious, distressed, depressed. I think I managed to go to school a couple whole days in half a year, but mostly I came after lunch or was absent. For the fist time, I had panic attacks in school. My very good grades dropped a half a grade during that half a year, luckily it was very good to begin with. I had been so good in acting everything was perfect, my teacher didn’t even believe me, that I was a mess. It was my age, he said.
The summer was just a little bit easier. I couldn’t get sleep on get out of bed, but I wasn’t required to. Now I have been in vocational school for couple days. Since that I’ve felt like I’m gonna die on the inside. I want help, I can’t stand this. I don’t know what I would do if wouldn’t stand it. I couldn’t ever kill myself even if I have the plan. But I haven’t cut since 5th of October, but the need of that relief is getting stronger. I know I NEED help, I have the fear of this feeling taking over and I will just lay in bed crying. Or not being able to cry. I also think I won’t be able to go to school soon.
But I fear I can’t be helped, or wont be taken seriously. What if they just say that it’s my age, and laugh me out of there? What if I get kicked out of school for being a total nutcase? What if I simply can’t be helped? I need help.Can I Be Helped?
Can I Be Helped?
Thank you so much for opening up and sending us your concerns. The fact that the bullying was underneath this and may have started it is important. The fact that you want to change it and are looking for ways to do so is fantastic.
The chances are your school has programs that you may not even know about. I would strongly encourage you to make an appointment with the school’s guidance counselor. He or she is very familiar with the kind of reactions you are having and will be able to either do some counseling with you directly — all of which is confidential — or they can help you get to a counselor who knows how to help.
I would definitely do this sooner rather than later.