Hi, I am married since Feb 2013 it’s an Arranged marriage, I was a Virgin till getting married. But my wife was not, she didn’t informed me about it before engagement though we had sufficient time. After Engagement we both were happy. But a day came we met each other, while I was going through her phone I found a SMS conversations which were not normal. And while I was with her he called her and on that day and talked in front of me. Upon asking she told he is just a friend. As I was suspecting something wrong, I asked her and after a big fight she told that the guy was her boyfriend. Both had around 3 years relationship, as the time went to her pregnancy due to the fear both departed each other she says. Moreover she asked me not to tell her parents as they don’t know anything about it. She begged me to marry her as we had Engagement and in Indian custom if an Engagement breaks girls will have so many problems. I decided to marry her as I liked and loved her with her request. After all this I have problems like, it seems to me that she don’t like me and love me. Even while having sex she don’t show much involvement as I have to do each and everything and very less response from her. I can’t understand, she lost virginity which was long time back for which I can’t help myself. But even after our Engagement she was in conversations with him. Which shows no values for me in this relationship. Can you please help me to know, if she cheated me to get a life out of me. I still love her but how can I test her weather she loves me or just using me. Please help.
I can appreciate the difficulty and struggle with your situation. It would be impossible be for me to know her intention, but what seems very clear is that you do not trust her. You don’t feel she loves you and you feel you were tricked into marriage.
It is important to honor these truths in yourself.
Because this was an arranged marriage and there are familial and cultural elements around this bond, I would encourage the consultation of a spiritual counselor from your religious community rather then a psychological counselor. What is necessary here is for the counselor to be told the whole truth about the background and current situation. While you agreed not to tell the parents I believe it would be important to seek guidance from your religious community with a person who has access to the whole truth. This will give you the best possible opportunity for a resolution.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Issues in Married Life. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 23, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/11/01/issues-in-married-life/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.