You have done the right thing by writing to us at Psych Central. You recognize that you need help and are inquiring about how to get it. It’s an important first step.
I’m concerned about the fact that you have “lost track of how many times” you’ve tried to kill yourself. It’s also concerning that you “beat yourself, cause yourself harm and can’t stop.” You are clearly suffering.
There is something wrong if you are attempting to end your life and are engaging in self- injurious behavior. Typically, people do those sorts of things when they are suffering emotionally. Their emotional pain is so severe that they mistakenly believe that suicide or self-harm will decrease their level of suffering.
The bottom line is that you need professional mental health treatment. You stated that your family is poor and that getting help is “out of the question.” There is help for you and this is how you can get it: speak to your school guidance counselor or a trusted member of the school faculty. Report your concerns. You mentioned blackouts and it’s important that they are also reported. Blackouts may be indicative of a medical problem.
After you have reported your concerns, someone at the school will assist you in acquiring medical and psychological services. They may also contact your parents to speak to them about the best course of action.
I hope that you take my advice and report your problems. It’s the best way to handle this situation. If you feel that you might harm yourself, then it is imperative that you go to an emergency room or call 911. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog