Insanity is not a medical or psychological term. It is a legal term. Perhaps you are concerned about being mentally ill or that there is something wrong with your mind.
You discussed having “two people in your mind.” That is not an uncommon experience among people who are experiencing psychological pain. It may be your way of coping with things that are bothering you. Sometimes, when people lack strong problem-solving skills, they develop maladaptive coping skills. This may be what is happening to you.
You said that what you love to do is “killing” and that you have not revealed these thoughts your parents. You should not keep this information from them. Your parents need to be immediately informed about how you are feeling. It’s clear that your suffering and withholding your true feelings will only make the situation worse.
One of the reasons that you may be withholding the truth from your family is that you believe that they are focused on your brother with autism. While that may be the case, it’s important that you know that you are equally as important as your brother. Your thoughts and feelings matter but your family can’t help you if they don’t know what you are thinking and feeling. I would strongly encourage you to discuss this with your parents. If you feel that you can’t speak to your parents, then write them a letter or go to the school counselor and ask him or her to speak to your parents on your behalf.
Finally, if you feel that you cannot control your behavior, then go to the emergency room or call 911. Your safety and the safety of others, is of the utmost concern.
I hope that my letter convinces you to speak to your parents. Many teenagers have fears about speaking to their parents about their emotional problems. Often, when they finally do talk to their parents, they realize that their fears were unfounded. This may very well be the case with you. Be honest with your parents and let them know that you need help. You might be surprised at their reaction. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog