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Trust is Affecting Everything

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I have been married for a few years and 2 1/2 years ago my husband confessed to cheating with my best friend. They slept together 1 month before we were married and 1 month after we married. I also confessed that I cheated before we were married. He claims he did not have a reason for it, it just happen. We have since become Christians and have a decent marriage and have forgiven each other. But I can’t seem to forget. I keep holding on to the hurt not because it was my best friend, but because he violated our vows. And now I apply my trust issues to everything. Every time he doesn’t answer the phone or leaves home, I think he may be cheating. I don’t confront him, but I feel that I have so much pent up anger towards him. I have recently let him know my hurts and he said that he would never cheat again, but why can’t I trust that. Besides the cheating, he has always been a trustworthy person, a great provider and father. He says that I am making a case in my head against him, but my defense is that I am preparing my self for the other show to drop. How do I get past this hurt and heal my marriage? I need to feel secure that it will never happen again, how do I do that?

Trust is Affecting Everything

Answered by on -

A.

Feeling secure that it will never happen again is not the appropriate goal in this instance. Rather, it is living with the vulnerability that each person in a relatioship lives with. Your partner might stray, cheat, get sick, pass away, or become depressed. We have no way of holding onto and managing the future.

However, sharing these vulnerabilities with each other and making a concerted effort to celebrate the time you have together, and also appreciating your life is very important. Here is a recent article I’ve written on what it takes to have good relationships that you may find interesting.

And here’s an interesting Ted talk by Dr. Brown on vulnerability.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Trust is Affecting Everything

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Trust is Affecting Everything. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/10/04/trust-is-affecting-everything/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.