Ever since I can remember I’ve been quite unhappy; My life isn’t terrible or anything, I have some good memories, but most things I remember is me crying or fighting with my mother ever since I was like 3 or 4, the first time i tried to kill myself was when i was 4 and tried to jump off my roof, and ever since then I tried many times up until a few years ago (I’m 18). Afterwards came my little sister, whom I love and things were ‘better’ for a while; but when I got to middle school I was quite bullied, i believe there is something wrong with the way I am. Then my parents’ divorces begun and that was easy distraction, So I started to try to fill that emptiness inside of me with partying and friends and boy friends and every time I lose any of them, I am left with a bigger sadness and feeling of hopelessness and emptiness.
A year ago, (after quitting booze, partying and stupid men) I met my boyfriend, and he was so nice to me, we share thoughts and passions and activities and i believe we love each other, so I started to do things right, school went fine, my relationship to my parents improved and so on, but then my boy friend started changing and let out his very vicious and jealous self, and ever since January this year, he has been accusing me of lying and cheating every time he can, so he breaks me up every two days and then comes to me afterwards and, well I always forgive him right away.
My question comes to the matter that I’ve never been happy and that I feel a lot more empty every passing day, and though I try to fool myself, my desperation is leading me to suicide again. Please, help me figure out my life; I am smart and read a lot, very musical, can sing and I consider myself good looking, i just feel like a huge dysfunctional fail and need help before I give up and run away or kill myself.Never Been Happy
Never Been Happy
I’m sorry you have felt this way for so long. Kids don’t always get the support and help from their parents they deserve. But here’s the good news: People have the power to change their lives. You already discovered that in the early days with your boyfriend. He didn’t make you get stronger and happier. He provided a crutch while you learned how to be a happier person.
It sounds to me like he might be the kind of guy who needs to feel stronger and better than his girlfriend in order to be secure. Even though he helped you get stronger, he didn’t like it when you started to need him less. Rather than celebrate with you, he’s trying to pull you back to being needy and desperate so he can regain his position as a rescuer. This is not a healthy basis for a long-term relationship.
You would put a crutch aside if you didn’t need it and could walk on your own. Same goes for the boyfriend. He helped you heal but now you’ve outgrown the need for a rescuer. Since he can’t manage a relationship with an equal, I think you should thank him for his help and move on – now – before he pulls you down.
You do need positive, happy people in your life. A good place to start is to look for other people who are musical. Making music together is one of the most wonderful things people can do. Join a chorus. Try out for a musical play. Get involved with people who are happy and doing productive things and you will find that it will lift your spirits and give you a new focus in life. Have you thought of studying music? Following a talent is often the way to find a career.
You are only 18. You had a rough beginning, it’s true. But you’ve already shown yourself you can change and grow. Now put yourself in environments that will nurture you and your talents. If you find that you are still battling depression, it would also be a good idea to find a therapist who can teach you ways to say goodbye to a painful past and work toward a better present and future. You can choose what kind of adult life you want.
I wish you well.