You aren’t stupid but you are worn down and worn out. He won’t change. He has no need to. He doesn’t want to ruin a “good thing” because he is good with how things are. He’s not interested in your feelings or whether things are “good” for you. He’s only interested in being totally in control.
Underneath all his bluster and controlling behaviors is a man who is so insecure he can’t manage being in relationship with a woman who is his equal. He deals with his feelings of inferiority by acting superior and keeping the people around him dependent. As you have already discovered, he can be dangerous so please don’t feel too sorry for him.
You need practical help to get out of this destructive and dangerous relationship. Fortunately there are services for women like yourself at the local YWCA. Call 604-625-5785 for information about how they may be able to help. When you need support, you can also call the hotline at 800-799-7233. See this website for more information.
Write these resources down. Then erase your computer history. Use a computer at a friend’s house or at the library to follow up. Men like yours often become enraged when women they have put down and hurt start to look for help.
Get out — for your own self-respect and to show your kids that a woman shouldn’t tolerate belittling behavior from someone who says he loves her. You deserve better. They need to have a role model for how to stop this type of relationship.
I wish you well.