I’m currently seeing a doctor in a hospital thingy, but i dont want to tell them what im really thinking, what i really do, because im scared they will put in a crazy person place.
when i was little i had a drunk dad, it got really bad and we had to run to a hostile, or whatever they are called, the hidey places, then we got a stepdad and i want to kill him, simple, ive planned it out and all, he hits me all the time, he doesnt know me, i want him dead, same with my step brother, ok i cant just go on, I want everyone in the world dead, i hate everyone, i vision me killing them in my head so clearly, and its fun. i have crosses on my arms (in pen) where when i get angry and sad i go downstairs and plan stabbing myself, but i haven’t done it yet, im scared i will. i just want to kill people, i sit im my room crying and getting angry at the same time, all day, planning killing them then me.
i cant help it, i really need someone to tell me im not so crazy they would consider putting me in a crazy place, thats what my mum said, my step dad hates me. well you know what i want to rip his throat out, sorry if i say any bad stuff, i just dont know whats wrong with me, im only 13, i shouldn’t be this bad at this moment, it hurst so much just the things i think of.Life’s a Mess
Life’s a Mess
I don’t think that you are “crazy.” You have been exposed to a great deal of trauma. You are suffering tremendously. You also don’t seem to possess the necessary coping skills that would assist you in dealing with your traumatic experiences. In many ways, your reaction is understandable given what you have been through.
However, you are currently foregoing a prime opportunity to receive help. You are in treatment but are withholding the truth about how you really feel. Withholding information makes it difficult for your treatment providers to properly assist you. If they don’t know what’s wrong, they can’t help you.
Fear is holding you back from getting the help that you desire. I would urge you to be honest with your doctor. You stated that you are frightened about being placed in a “crazy person place.” By that expression, I am assuming that you mean you fear being committed to a psychiatric hospital. Typically, it is extremely difficult to be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution. An individual has to be imminently dangerous to themselves or to others. That means that they are right on the verge of attempting to harm themselves or someone else. Based on your letter, it seems as though you may have a desire to harm someone but that’s very different than having a plan to do it.
Under no circumstances should you deliberately engage in harming another person. You would likely be arrested. You could lose your freedom. It would only lead to more suffering for you.
I believe that you are struggling and don’t know how to manage your strong emotions. It’s imperative that you report how you are feeling to your doctor as soon as possible. The sooner that you reveal the truth, the sooner that you can learn healthy psychological ways of dealing with your strong emotions.
Many people wish others dead but they would never do anything to harm the other person. Hours, days or years later they are sorry and even ashamed that they ever felt that way and most importantly they are so very glad that they did not do what they had wished for.
Finally, if you feel as though you cannot control your behavior, then call 911 or go to the emergency room. The staff at the emergency room can keep you safe. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog