I don’t think that you are “crazy.” You have been exposed to a great deal of trauma. You are suffering tremendously. You also don’t seem to possess the necessary coping skills that would assist you in dealing with your traumatic experiences. In many ways, your reaction is understandable given what you have been through.
However, you are currently foregoing a prime opportunity to receive help. You are in treatment but are withholding the truth about how you really feel. Withholding information makes it difficult for your treatment providers to properly assist you. If they don’t know what’s wrong, they can’t help you.
Fear is holding you back from getting the help that you desire. I would urge you to be honest with your doctor. You stated that you are frightened about being placed in a “crazy person place.” By that expression, I am assuming that you mean you fear being committed to a psychiatric hospital. Typically, it is extremely difficult to be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution. An individual has to be imminently dangerous to themselves or to others. That means that they are right on the verge of attempting to harm themselves or someone else. Based on your letter, it seems as though you may have a desire to harm someone but that’s very different than having a plan to do it.
Under no circumstances should you deliberately engage in harming another person. You would likely be arrested. You could lose your freedom. It would only lead to more suffering for you.
I believe that you are struggling and don’t know how to manage your strong emotions. It’s imperative that you report how you are feeling to your doctor as soon as possible. The sooner that you reveal the truth, the sooner that you can learn healthy psychological ways of dealing with your strong emotions.
Many people wish others dead but they would never do anything to harm the other person. Hours, days or years later they are sorry and even ashamed that they ever felt that way and most importantly they are so very glad that they did not do what they had wished for.
Finally, if you feel as though you cannot control your behavior, then call 911 or go to the emergency room. The staff at the emergency room can keep you safe. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog