The fact that you have most recently included yourself as a victim in your fantasies indicates that you have a desire to die. It means that you are both homicidal and suicidal. In many cases, they seem to go hand-in-hand.
You did not provide details about your life circumstances but I suspect that you are experiencing a great deal of psychological pain and are in a position in which you feel a lack of power. Often, individuals who feel as though they have insufficient power in the world will fantasize about what they perceive to be the ultimate power, which is taking the life of another.
There’s nothing glamorous about murder or those who commit it. It’s an act of grave destruction. Every religion considers it a sin. It’s an act of evil, plain and simple.
You are on the verge of being unable to control your behavior. In addition, it seems as though you continually expose yourself to your obsession which increases the likelihood that you may act out your fantasies. I would consider your risk for potential violence as being high.
I strongly urge you to seek emergency assistance. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior, then go to the emergency room immediately. The staff at the emergency room can keep you safe and can ensure that you receive treatment. Treatment would also address why you feel compelled to hurt others and help you to control your impulses.
Fantasizing about wanting to harm others and yourself are clear indicators of mental instability and potentially severe depression. At this point in time, you have not harmed anyone. Should you act on your fantasies, you will lose your freedom and potentially your life. You might spend the rest of your life in prison or face the death penalty.
Please seek help immediately before you do something that you will regret and could ruin your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog