Your father is emotionally abusing you and he may be guilty of other forms of abuse. His addiction is no excuse for his inappropriate sexual behavior. He was wrong to make you endure “him masturbating for hours and talking to underage girls on the internet and not tell anyone.” That is a form of abuse. Interacting with underage girls is illegal and if caught, he would be promptly arrested and labeled as a sexual offender.
For your entire life, your father has imposed his will upon you. He’s tried to prevent your every attempt at independent thinking. When given the opportunity to flourish, you did despite your history of abuse. That’s evidence of your resiliency and strong natural desire to develop an independent identity.
You can’t allow other people to control you. Your father’s threats of suicide and threats to withhold monies are forms of manipulation. He wants control and when he can’t have it, he seems to resort to emotional blackmail. You have every right to live your life the way you desire.
Your father might be right about what you should do with your life but I highly doubt it. He was wrong in how he raised you and the proof of this was your development of various mental health conditions. He was most certainly wrong when he choose to expose you to his inappropriate sexual behavior.
What’s most needed in this situation is professional psychological help. A therapist can help you to decide what is best for you and assist you in navigating the tumultuous relationship with your father. Therapy can also provide you with much needed emotional support. Professional help, now more than ever, is imperative given your suicidal ideation. If you feel that you might harm yourself, do not hesitate to go to the emergency room or call 911. The hospital staff can protect you. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog