Hello. I am a 22 year old male and have been shy and insecure pretty much my entire life. Though I might say I had a normal childhood, there were early signs something was wrong with me. I was afraid of heights, afraid of dogs, afraid of water (I never learned to swim or even ride a bicycle). I missed out on many things because of fear and insecurity. That is probably where I started developing low self-esteem and things just went on their own. My father was rarely present at home and my mother and grandmother were rather inadequate in their behavior. A person on the side might say they were the children in the house. I did feel neglected and singled out in my own family, that transferred into my social life. I did have other oddities as a child for which I have no explanation. In my early teens I started staying more at home, than going out with friends.
Entering high school was a life changing event for me. Going to school became a nightmare, I quickly developed fear of people, couldn’t talk normally to anyone, I had nausea with waking up, before leaving the house. I started avoiding people and social events terrified me. I had very low grades throughout high school, I often had severe depression episodes (I still do). Nobody seemed to make it easier for me, there was no one to talk to. I became very quiet and withdrawn, I couldn’t speak my mind properly in front of people, because I couldn’t relax.
A year before graduation I started visiting a therapist. I underwent verbal therapy (cognitive-behavioral) for about a year and it didn’t help me with anything. She diagnosed me with Avoidant personality disorder. Only when I left for college and changed the scenery, did I start experiencing some very slow changes, but I don’t believe it was because of therapy. I started a sexual relationship with my therapist (female, 20 years older than me) which is still going on, I suppose. About two and a half years now. We became close and she seems very emotionally attached.
Since there was no effect in her therapy, I decided to visit someone else again (male this time), allegedly one of the best therapists in my country. But I can’t relax speaking my mind even there. He practices hypnosis and rebirthing-breathwork, which is cool, but it seems insecurity is getting in the way even when I’m at my therapist’s office.
I dropped out of college after my first year because of this social anxiety thing, it is unbearable at times. I just enrolled in a Psychology class, hoping this might help somewhat with my issues.
Though I am experiencing some very slow changes, so slow I’m not sure I can call them changes, I still feel there is a darkness that gradually engulfs me. I still have major depressive episodes, thoughts of suicide, etc. In these cases thoughts are just piling up and I don’t know what to do with them, I don’t know how to vent, it just feels like my head is going to implode.