You have provided a long description of what you think is wrong but you did not provide any specific examples. For instance, you stated that you struggle to have a cohesive sense of self and have quite extreme changes in who you are with others but did not describe these changes. What do you consider extreme? What do you mean by the phrase cohesive sense of self? Without more information, it’s difficult for me to determine if you have correctly assessed your problems. People with depression tend to inaccurately judge their own abilities. They often incorrectly assume that something is wrong with them. That might be what is happening in your case.
You also mentioned that therapy feels intolerable. It makes you feel paranoid and distressed. What about it makes you feel this way? It shouldn’t cause that reaction. It is an inappropriate emotional reaction. Logic dictates that therapy is designed to benefit you. Some people are hypersensitive, to the point where even constructive criticism is perceived as being a personal attack, an attack on the very essence of who they are. Your hypersensitivity might be why you are reacting with such strong, negative emotion to therapy.
I would recommend therapy even if it feels intolerable. It might feel intolerable but in reality it’s not intolerable. You have successfully overcome many issues in your life and for that you should be proud but at this point professional help is required. Therapy might be difficult but it’s necessary to overcome the issues that are plaguing your life.
You asked whether or not you have borderline personality disorder. That’s not something I can answer based upon your short letter. An in-person therapist, after collecting an extensive psychosocial history, can determine if you have a diagnosable mental health disorder. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog