My name is Jessica, a 24-year old San Diego Native and Transgender Woman. I am here today to purge my thoughts that have been building up from sheer utter loneliness. I never had a family. At the age of 2, my mother and father waged a 10-year war for custody over me. My biological mother had physically abused me, as well as my father, plus being “different” didn’t help my case anyway, but still, I had to find a parent I could rely on and look up to. Cross-dressing at an early age made the tension in my family dramatically increase and the fabric holding the family together began to quickly unravel. My mother stabbed me at age 17, forever damaging my concept of a loving mother, and my father had repeatedly broken my nose by punching me every time he found a new “stash” of self-purchased women’s clothing. After the chaos drove me from the home, I enlisted into the military, partly to find a family that would care about me and consider me an asset, partly because I was seeking a “cure” for my naturally feminine behavior. The only good that did was reminding me of who I wasn’t and who I couldn’t become. After discharge, I resisted all forms of things related to being a trans woman. I didn’t know that was putting “me” on the side to give what others wanted; ultimately a bad move.
I have dated about 3 people in the history of the 24 years of my pathetic existence, not one of them lasting longer than a few weeks. I tasted a wonderful slice of bliss when a girl in my high school kissed me. I felt loved and I further sought that love out, however my heart was shot down (as all first loves do). The unfortunately part was after that, I never found love, but that means I didn’t try. I’ve just never been able to fit in, either as a man or as a woman. The constant rejection slowly warped me into the sorry, depressed, and numb-to-love person I am today.
Lately several people inquiring if I am seeing anyone, which I respond negatively because of the pain from loneliness, have approached me. I am losing sleep, about 4-5 hours every night, I am losing my appetite and haven’t eaten in a few days, and now I am contemplating suicide and cutting again. Too many times have I faced bad people, people who just want to use me for sex like I am a tranny hooker. Too many times have peopled rejected me because they can’t get passed the “T”. Now I am a courageless, depressed, and severely lonely person. I have been resisting the urge to drop out of ITT Technical Institute because I don’t see a point in my future. If I can’t be happy now, will I ever be happy again? I don’t want to kill myself but life has NEVER shown me that things can be fun, happy, enjoyable, and most of all, worth it. I don’t feel like I ever will find that someone who can make me feel like the world doesn’t matter. Now I avoid romantic adventures in fear of rejection at the get go. I am told I have so many wonderful things to give to someone but I feel that there isn’t anyone out there for me, let alone anything left to give. Please, help me… I don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you.Severe Long-Term Loneliness
Severe Long-Term Loneliness
Your thoughtful, heartfelt and powerful description of your situation is compelling. I can appreciate the ongoing difficulty to want to be loved.
I have three suggestions that I believe will be helpful:
- Group therapy would allow you to work through many of the issues you’ve identified in a relatively safe and supportive atmosphere. The direction of the skill leader/facilitator group therapy experience would allow you to get feedback as to your socialization, emotional reactions, and interpersonal style. All of these factors are important and working through the issues as identified.
- Getting a psychological evaluation and testing. These and an objective exam can also give you feedback as to strengths and weaknesses. Typically a good psychological evaluation will identify not only the range of your abilities, but also provide suggestions for strengthening the areas in need of development.
- I would also encourage you to find a GLBTQ support group in your area. This kind of support can be invaluable as you seek to make changes you desire.