Okay, I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve had some kind of psychological disorder for almost three years now, since I was 16. I haven’t been to a specialist as such because mental disorders aren’t something I can explain to my parents. Although now, I am looking at visiting one just to be sure. I just want to know what you guys think.
I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression. These have varied extremely over the years. When I was around 16, they were incredible and unbearable, almost always following each other. At that point in my life, I was also very depressed and felt caged, thought I was bipolar. As I grew, they became more tangible and I was able to deal with them better after I’d left home and gone to college at the age of 18. I still feel them, and I feel as though I have no control over them, even as I try to emotionally streamline myself now. I used to feel desperation but lately I’ve grown very numb and my states oscillate between being incredibly euphoric or into plain nothingness, or pointlessness. My drive for life constantly fluctuates.
I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies, that are recurrent even now. These tendencies however are mostly passive and I wouldn’t act on them. The need to self harm varies on the level of depression I feel.
I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression. I feel alone and helpless and sometimes wake up in panic in the middle of the night unable to control it.
I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite which are recurrent throughout ever 2 months nearly also accompanied by complete normal states
My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks. I do feel normal for periods in between, which can last even up to a couple weeks. When I feel normal, I feel fine and wonderful (not euphoric)
I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt. I could feel worthless and dejected and then bounce to feeling invincible and wonderful. These feelings of low self worth have changed over the last month after I confronted my father about some underlying issues, and discovered the meaninglessness of life. I don’t think they are gone but rather that they are deeply imbedded but I don’t care about them anymore
I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months, but this may also be due to the numbness I feel towards these issues. I have recently gone through some relationship troubles. I have very evident trust issues and do not trust nearly anyone.
Despite all of this, most days I am able to function properly and I am actually quite happy. I tend to become socially reclusive at times and this leads to either peaceful solitude or depression. At college, I have a bit of a reputation to be crazy and insane.
I feel reckless and impulsive at times. It makes me feel alive. I crave this feeling.
I have a horrible attention span. I can’t watch television shows and until recently found it really hard to finish a book (I used to be an avid reader when I was younger). I feel as though my thoughts are racing at times.
The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted. I do not let myself get close to people often, I think it may be because of abandonment fears. My relationships are quite stable even if my feelings towards a person may change continuously.
I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily. I have been told continuously that I have a talent for empathy and understanding. I am aware of my emotional power over people and know I can get what I want out of them, but sometimes it happens unconsciously. Regardless, I actually do care about these people and have very strong morals when it comes to keeping their secrets. I do not use them.
I do not feel needy and clingy most of the time, but there are moments in between. I used to feel empty a lot. Now, I feel nothing or empowered.
I have a family history of depression, my cousin is diagnosed with it, and my aunt was.
There are times when I am very irritable and other times when my love for people and the world in general is undoubtable.
I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time. I got over it almost completely during the last 2 months. I also think I am numb to feeling that way now, I can’t even imagine it.
I deal with being alone really well. Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I enjoy solitude. Now and then, usually after some kind of trigger, I feel dejected.
I do not crave love or worldly attachments as far as I can understand. I crave passion and my common state is being fine and in love with the world and all of its mysteries
I used to be very sure this was borderline PD, but after looking through cyclothymia, I feel like this could be more apt as I do not feel empty or unloved or needy anymore and have states of being normal in between. Your thoughts?