You seem obsessed with this man. Per your own admission, you fantasize about him day and night. You track his cyber interactions. You don’t sleep because you can’t stop thinking about him. You’ve considered killing his female friends. You are now contemplating murder because in your mind if you can’t have him no one can.
Those are dangerous thoughts. You can’t control your feelings and the concern is that you’ll be unable to control your behavior.
If you were to hurt this man or his female friends, you could lose your freedom. You could spend the rest of your life in prison. You might even be sentenced to die, which in your country of Malaysia is execution by hanging. Virtually all religions believe murder is a sin. Should you carry out your deadly desires you would destroy your life and the lives of many people. Are you really willing sacrifice your life for someone who is not even aware of your existence?
He was your first love, even if you didn’t know it was love at first. Firsts, of any kind, can be hard to forget. In your case, it was not only a first but an “only.” New relationships will help you forget past relationships. If you had experienced more relationships, you might barely remember your first love.
The responsible course of action is to seek professional help. Psychotherapy can assist you in controlling your feelings and behavior. It could prevent a tragedy that would undoubtedly ruin your life and the lives of many others. I hope you make the responsible choice and seek professional help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice