I am in so much pain. I look at my life and noticed that I’ve lost. I have 27 distinct personalities. Mom and Dad decided to have people rape me over and over. I came here from another country and we were poor, so it was ok for Mom to sell us to men who wanted to rape little kids. I was 6 months old and I remember this old man hurting me. I came out of my own body and went into moms and I watched him rape me through her eyes and I felt the pain and everything that she was feeling, since that day my life would be as I needed it to be. I am 55 years old now and I don’t know which way to turn. People can’t figure me out.
Your story makes me furious and sad. No child should ever be hurt like that! You did what many people in your situation do: You survived by “leaving.” The challenge now is to bring everyone back together so you can live your life. Yes, you lost a lot of years. But that is not a reason to lose the rest of them. You could live 20 – 30 more years or even more. It’s worth it to do the work to have the life you want.
You didn’t mention whether or not you are in therapy. I certainly hope so. There are therapists who specialize in treating people who have split off from themselves as you did. All those sub-selves can be reintegrated or, alternatively, they can learn to work together to support the primary self. Look for a therapist who is experienced with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse.
Remember that you are a survivor. You survived unspeakable horrors as a little kid. You have what it takes to do your therapeutic work.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 23, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/06/13/pain-of-childhood-sexual-abuse/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.