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Virginity Hindering My Chances at Love

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I’m a 31 year old virgin male. Beyond the obvious pain and humiliation of never having had sex (I prefer not to wait until marriage), I genuinely fear I will never have sex or love because so many women want a man my age with experience in bed. I don’t know how to approach this issue; I feel like when I do bring it up I get lip service about how it’s okay but I don’t believe it. Acceptance of my virginity is an absolute must, and I don’t want to be heartbroken if I do find someone I think I love only for her not to accept that part of me. How and when should I bring up my lack of sexual history and is there a point where I should give up hope of ever having meaningful (or any) sex at all?

Virginity Hindering My Chances at Love

Answered by on -


Everything you’ve heard about this phrase is true: For others to accept you, you must first accept yourself. It sounds like this internal struggle has been problematic for a long time. Self-acceptance seems like the only real way through this. A major feature of self-acceptance is allowing yourself to feel the frustration, ambiguity and anxiety yet not be compelled to push it one way or another. In other words, I would cultivate a meditation practice that allows you to feel this anxiety without having to fix it. The website by leading researcher Barbara Fredrickson has samples of a variety of different kinds of meditations. I would strongly recommend you beginning to cultivate a meditation practice that would allow you to integrate the thoughts and feelings around this issue. Once you’ve been able to be okay with yourself the likelihood of finding someone to connect with you is likely to be improved.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Virginity Hindering My Chances at Love

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Virginity Hindering My Chances at Love. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 23, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.