You have to force yourself to do what you know is right. It won’t be easy. It will be going against your long history of minimizing your problems. Asking for help will seem foreign to you. It may feel as though you’re doing something wrong but logically you must force yourself to receive the help that you should have received years ago.
Perhaps your dream will serve as an important catalyst. In many ways, it’s disrupted your life. You focus on it and it’s causing you to think about things in a different, though not necessarily healthier, way. Your life now feels chaotic and out of control but it might be what’s needed to propel you into finally receiving psychological help.
It’s time to do what you know you should have done years ago which is to receive professional help. I urge you to seek help as soon as possible.
You’re worried your wife will react negatively to your getting help. People with depression tend to perceive the world through the scope of pessimism. This makes them prone to misjudgments. When you attempted therapy in the past, you likely misjudged that situation. You concluded that you were unworthy of help and ultimately decided to quit. That type of thinking hurt you then and it’s hurting you now.
Your wife might be grateful that you finally have decided to receive help. Undoubtedly, your problems affect her and perhaps more than you know. You don’t think you would have the “strength” to follow through but I believe that you would. Help is available but you must make the choice. The choice is yours.
You tried to wait it out. You gave it a chance to go away. You’ve been patient for 15 years. It hasn’t gone away. You should get help now. Perhaps the therapist that you had long ago just wasn’t right for you. It happens.
People don’t choose to be depressed but they can choose to be helped. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice