I’ve taken the sites PD tests and got 38 on borderline, 23 on narcissist and 15 on psychopath. I’m having trouble building up courage to see a professional. But I was hoping for advice. I’m embarrassed if it is BPD as that’s a female disorder mainly?
I’ve been told this a numerous amount of times, more so these past years in my adulthood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s prob best if I just say it anyway…
I get severe mood swings. This may be depression or anger. I rarely feel happiness. Usually this comes from comments other people make, even if they mean it as banter. I am often get drunk on vodka and coke the night before work purely because of a comment someone said in which they probably wouldn’t think twice of it. I get very angry at times and I need to bottle it in or I’d probably lose my job. I get depressed over slight comments of my appearance or attitude. I’ve “laughed” but I’ve never been “happy” or have I loved someone. I don’t even love my family, they were horrible to me and I hate how my little sister gets 30+ likes on a profile picture. I get very jealous easily usually when people are talking to each other.
need to be accepted
I feel the need to be accepted all the time. I will get depressed or angry if I get a vibe that someone doesn’t like me. Of course, often enough I find people do like me and I’m just being paranoid. I will sometimes make up lies, such as being a champion boxer or such just to make myself feel better. I will interact in all conversations and I need to be in the convos. If I’m left out, I feel depressed that they are leaving me out when they prob not. To make myself feel better, I need attention on things such as POF. I crashed my car and pretended someone else crashed into me, I did this so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I’ve told people I’m a doctor before and everyone believed my lies of good jobs and such. I tell people my secrets and get depressed when they don’t tell me there’s.
I get very paranoid about the stupidest things. I will think my friends are against me when in reality they are not. I think people dislike me all the time and talk about me behind my back. I also get paranoid for stupid reasons such as if I said the wrong thing, losing my job. I also get paranoid that people don’t think I look good. I need reassurance a lot that I look good.
I… lack empathy and sympathy?
If someone I know is hurt, I rarely feel anything. I try to pretend to care but sometimes it’s painfully obvious. I just don’t see how I can care if I wasn’t there and I wasn’t involved in anyway. My grandfather died and I forced myself to cry for example. I haven’t always been void of empathy… I swear I had it as a kid. But it was adulthood when I realised, the only time I was “upset” was for myself. I never felt anything when other people were hurt or upset. I actually acknowledged it.
People have told me I’m “very cocky”. I don’t see how this is though. I feel stupidly shy around people at times. For example, today I didn’t really know what to say to some girl I really like. Though, this same girl accuses me of being “very cocky”. Other people joke with her, but when I joke with her and laugh, she gets offended.
Despite this, I am a peoples person. I have tons of people on facebook and I make sure to go out in town and interact with people as much as possible. I have friends and I try to see them as much as possible.
I get depressed but I try to hide this behind a smile. I have very few hobbies and I get bored of things easily. I buy a new game for example and buy a new one afterwards.
I feel lonely and I want one I think. Though, when I get a girlfriend I don’t feel bothered nor the need to put any effort into it. In a way, I just want sex. I’ve had numerous partners but they don’t last long (some unprotected). If people are clearly attracted and interested in me, I grow distant.
My friendships is built around jealousy, paranoia and need for attention. One time I pretended to black out and scream at a friend because he was with a girl I liked. I then pretended within seconds I didn’t remember a thing. I wasn’t interested in the girl, I wanted to feel good about myself. I also feared losing my friend.
I sometimes use my friends for selfish needs. For example I will bring good looking friends out to attract girls, then I will go for the girls. I do this by mocking my friends.
I’ll note that despite my paranoia and stuff, I do have people talking to me a lot and despite my problems I always try to have a happy face and happy personality façade.Do I Have a Personality Disorder?
Do I Have a Personality Disorder?
I’m not certain if you have a personality disorder. However, it seems clear that you are suffering. At the heart of the problem may be a lack of self-esteem. Abraham Maslow’s theory of human development and motivation explains that individuals who never felt loved attempt to fulfill that need in adulthood. It’s a constant search for external validation.
In your life, it seems as though you are continuously searching for external validation from others. You need to know that they approve of you. Any evidence of their disapproval bothers you. The idea that someone may not like you has even led you to drink to the point that you could have lost your job. That hypersensitivity is evidence that the opinion of others very much matters to you and controls your life.
Ideally, you should be immune to the opinion of others. It shouldn’t matter what other people think about you. Psychologically healthy people, those who do not lack self-esteem, feel good about themselves. They are not overly confident or cocky, they simply believe in themselves and their abilities.
Psychotherapy would greatly benefit you. It would give you the opportunity to analyze your life and also determine what specifically is making you unhappy. A psychotherapist can also analyze your interpersonal skills, evaluate your interactions with others and teach you how to properly meet your needs. Many people who have undergone psychotherapy report that it has significantly improved their lives. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle.
Finally, gaining a diagnosis can be useful in determining what treatment options one should pursue but psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science. What’s most important is receiving the best available help to improve the quality of your life. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog