I’ve taken the sites PD tests and got 38 on borderline, 23 on narcissist and 15 on psychopath. I’m having trouble building up courage to see a professional. But I was hoping for advice. I’m embarrassed if it is BPD as that’s a female disorder mainly?
I’ve been told this a numerous amount of times, more so these past years in my adulthood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s prob best if I just say it anyway…
I get severe mood swings. This may be depression or anger. I rarely feel happiness. Usually this comes from comments other people make, even if they mean it as banter. I am often get drunk on vodka and coke the night before work purely because of a comment someone said in which they probably wouldn’t think twice of it. I get very angry at times and I need to bottle it in or I’d probably lose my job. I get depressed over slight comments of my appearance or attitude. I’ve “laughed” but I’ve never been “happy” or have I loved someone. I don’t even love my family, they were horrible to me and I hate how my little sister gets 30+ likes on a profile picture. I get very jealous easily usually when people are talking to each other.
need to be accepted
I feel the need to be accepted all the time. I will get depressed or angry if I get a vibe that someone doesn’t like me. Of course, often enough I find people do like me and I’m just being paranoid. I will sometimes make up lies, such as being a champion boxer or such just to make myself feel better. I will interact in all conversations and I need to be in the convos. If I’m left out, I feel depressed that they are leaving me out when they prob not. To make myself feel better, I need attention on things such as POF. I crashed my car and pretended someone else crashed into me, I did this so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I’ve told people I’m a doctor before and everyone believed my lies of good jobs and such. I tell people my secrets and get depressed when they don’t tell me there’s.
I get very paranoid about the stupidest things. I will think my friends are against me when in reality they are not. I think people dislike me all the time and talk about me behind my back. I also get paranoid for stupid reasons such as if I said the wrong thing, losing my job. I also get paranoid that people don’t think I look good. I need reassurance a lot that I look good.
I… lack empathy and sympathy?
If someone I know is hurt, I rarely feel anything. I try to pretend to care but sometimes it’s painfully obvious. I just don’t see how I can care if I wasn’t there and I wasn’t involved in anyway. My grandfather died and I forced myself to cry for example. I haven’t always been void of empathy… I swear I had it as a kid. But it was adulthood when I realised, the only time I was “upset” was for myself. I never felt anything when other people were hurt or upset. I actually acknowledged it.
People have told me I’m “very cocky”. I don’t see how this is though. I feel stupidly shy around people at times. For example, today I didn’t really know what to say to some girl I really like. Though, this same girl accuses me of being “very cocky”. Other people joke with her, but when I joke with her and laugh, she gets offended.
Despite this, I am a peoples person. I have tons of people on facebook and I make sure to go out in town and interact with people as much as possible. I have friends and I try to see them as much as possible.
I get depressed but I try to hide this behind a smile. I have very few hobbies and I get bored of things easily. I buy a new game for example and buy a new one afterwards.
I feel lonely and I want one I think. Though, when I get a girlfriend I don’t feel bothered nor the need to put any effort into it. In a way, I just want sex. I’ve had numerous partners but they don’t last long (some unprotected). If people are clearly attracted and interested in me, I grow distant.
My friendships is built around jealousy, paranoia and need for attention. One time I pretended to black out and scream at a friend because he was with a girl I liked. I then pretended within seconds I didn’t remember a thing. I wasn’t interested in the girl, I wanted to feel good about myself. I also feared losing my friend.
I sometimes use my friends for selfish needs. For example I will bring good looking friends out to attract girls, then I will go for the girls. I do this by mocking my friends.
I’ll note that despite my paranoia and stuff, I do have people talking to me a lot and despite my problems I always try to have a happy face and happy personality façade.